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I have this flawed sample text in Japanese given the task to be corrected to 'proper Japanese grammar'. I have done as much as I could to correct it but there are still some mistakes that are still there that has eluded me. I am asking for the community to help me finish spotting any mistakes left. So, if I post this into the beta, will this be allowed or considered to be off topic?

Note: I am not asking to translate a full essay or something but just a paragraph about 6-7 sentences. (I can figure out the rest.) That is the part I'm not so sure about.

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For this sort of question, I'd actually recommend using the chatroom.

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