I just saw this question in the close review queue. At first I was going to vote "leave open", because the asker gave their own attempt (which makes it allowed, I think). But I noticed the asker also used the words "proof read", which made me realize that it is a proofreading question, which is off-topic.
It's really confusing because translation questions are usually off-topic... except for sometimes. The community (myself included) has been pretty inconsistent on which questions count as off-topic translations and which count as on-topic ones. Part of the reason for that, I assume, is because the lines are blurry.
Is there some kind of consensus we can come to?